Advent Calendar 7th December.
Moany days of Christmas
Val Portelli.
Everyone knows Christmas is a time of
peace and love. Well, perhaps Mrs Humbug is an exception.
‘A partridge? I’ve
got fifteen people coming to Christmas lunch and you bring me a partridge? Are
you totally mad? It’s just as well I’ve arranged a twenty-pound turkey, a joint
of beef and something for the vegetarians.’
‘Two Turtle doves?
Where do you think you’re going to keep them? Can you imagine the mess? There’ll
be bird droppings everywhere. As if I haven’t got enough to do cleaning up
every day.’
‘Three French Hens?
I suppose they’ll be useful for the eggs, but you’ll have to build them a shed
or something. I’m not having them wandering around ruining my roses.’
‘Are they supposed to be Colley birds?
Blackbirds, that’s what they are; the first ones to start singing in the
morning. What with them and the thrushes and the robins, waking me up singing
their stupid heads off, it’s a wonder I ever manage to rest.’
‘Five Gold rings. That’s better. What do you
mean I can only pick one of them?’
‘Six geese he brings me now. I suppose you’re
thinking of digging up my lawn to build them a pond? If you’d given them to me
on Christmas eve, I wouldn’t have wasted good money buying a turkey.’
‘Seven swans. Nasty
creatures. You realise they belong to the Queen and if she finds out you’ll end
up in the tower. Good riddance too.’
‘Eight maids a
milking. Where are we going to put them all? Anyway, I get all the milk from
the supermarket. It lasts much longer in cartons, and the maids aren’t much use
without a cow, are they? And no, I don’t want one of those either.’
‘Nine ladies
dancing. What kind of a house do you think this is? I’m not having females
prancing around my living room and that’s an end to it.’
‘Ten Lords a
leaping. They’re all as bad as each other, these politicians. Only interested
in themselves. Not a thought for us poor, hard-working women, slaving day in,
day out to try and pay the bills. I’d like to see them manage on what you give
me for housekeeping.’
‘Eleven pipers
piping. Good grief. Whatever next? It’s bad enough having to listen to bagpipes
on New Year’s Eve. Never any peace in this house.’
‘What on earth is
that din? Go and tell them to shut up, or I’ll report them to the council for
noise pollution. George! Did you hear me George? Why are there thirteen of
them? There should only be twelve.’
George hoped she’d be happy with the presents he had bought her, but he might
have guessed she would find something to complain about. Ever since he was a
child, he had always wanted to play the drums. Banging away happily as he
followed the twelve drummers down the street, he was pleased with his present
from Santa. Leaving Bah Humbug behind, he called out ‘Happy Christmas’ to
the enthusiastic crowds cheering on the merry band.
***
Did you enjoy Val's take on the 12 days of Christmas? Read on to find out more about Val and where you can find her:
My bio
Val
also writes under the pen name Voinks, and had her first book ‘Changes’
published when a freak accident left her bed bound and stir-crazy.
Having caught the authorish bug, she has since published others books, which you can find on her Amazon author pages:
www.amazon.co.uk/Val-Portelli/e/B01MVB8WNC
Having caught the authorish bug, she has since published others books, which you can find on her Amazon author pages:
www.amazon.co.uk/Val-Portelli/e/B01MVB8WNC
She lives in South East London along with
two tigers, and a family of foxes who bang on the dog flap at 3 a.m. knowing
she will still be up writing.
Perhaps she has vampire blood in her ancestry, or it might be because she was born at that hour, so finds it the most productive time to complete her masterpieces.
Perhaps she has vampire blood in her ancestry, or it might be because she was born at that hour, so finds it the most productive time to complete her masterpieces.
Every sale and review helps to buy food for the unicorns who have become
her constant companions while she works on her longest book to date ‘Murder of
Changes.’
Other shorter manuscripts are at various stages of completion, as soon as she can beat the procrastination fairies into submission.
Other shorter manuscripts are at various stages of completion, as soon as she can beat the procrastination fairies into submission.
She also writes a short story every week
for her Facebook author page and blog which you can read here:
Happy Reading!
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