We miss you.

Some days are better than others. Some days all I want to do is cry and curl up in a ball. And some days I smile re-telling his jokes or anecdotes. There simply isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about my Grandad, not a minute or a second. On Thursday, 1st of February, he would have been 92 years old and so it's a little difficult to not get emotional.

It wasn't supposed to happen the way it did. I replay the day we lost him and the moment I found out over and over again in my head and I wish with my entire being I could turn back time. I want nothing else. I'm mad at myself for not being there for him and it's something I don't think I will ever come to terms with. Each day I am simply trying to do my best to make him proud of the woman he helped me become.

I've been trying not to come on here and be sad, negative or miserable because our goal with our blog has always been to make you smile, to encourage you, be a source of happiness. But writing is one of my favourite things. It's a comfort for me and since my Grandad left I have found myself writing more and more. Today I felt like sharing something incredibly personal to me. It's not really something I would usually do, but I just want to talk about my Grandad. I just want to share him with you like we did before. In addition, I just wanted to be there for anyone who has suffered a loss, someone who may be dealing with their own grief and maybe encourage them to put pen to paper, get things off their chest, and for them to know they are not alone.

When we arrived back in England on July 31st, our worlds had changed forever. There was a huge presence missing and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't come to terms with not being able to run into my Nanna and Grandad's house and see my Grandad. Even now, six months later, the pain of not getting to sit next to him in his favourite spot on the couch, causes an unbearable pain in my chest. Over Summer, in between funeral preparations that took up the month of August, I wrote. I wrote letters, thoughts and diary entries.  I knew I would want to speak and say something at Grandad's funeral, so I also set about writing a poem. By no means is it poetic genius or literature for the ages, but it's memories and it's love. It's my Grandad. It's just some of the memories he gave me and it simply feels important to me that the world knows his greatness.

Our Grandad.

I’m going to miss your ‘Mamma Mia’s and how on you we could always lean,

I’m going to miss those giant hugs where you squeezed us and told us to scream.

I’m going to miss your smiling face whenever you had a thought,

And I’m going to miss all those new recipes that you would have taught.

I’m going to miss how you made fun of us whenever we talked fast,

And I’m going to miss your goofy jokes always making us laugh.

I’m going to miss the way you said mushy until we all cried from laughing,

And I’m going to miss the faces you pulled when we were always photographing.

I’m going to miss Jen re-calling the times you slapped her in the face, (in good humour)

And I’m going to miss the pure joy and excitement I’d get when coming to see you at your place.

I’m going to miss your bright, brown eyes and how they lit up when family was near,

And I’m going to miss those times when it seemed you chose when and what to hear.

I’m going to miss those shouts of ‘Jen-ny’ when you wondered where she was,

And I’m going to miss the way you often called for her simply just because.

I’m going to miss the way you got so happy chatting about food,

And I’m going to miss those days you would have us giggling when you were in a funny mood.

I’m going to miss how you would tell us stories, how with Nanna you got the best girl,

And I’m going to miss your ideas, like when you tried to get Jen to sell 50p pearls.

We’re going to miss your loving demeanour, how you cared for everyone,

In all honesty, Grandad, we’re going to miss every single thing about you, because with you we got the best one.

But Grandad, you will be with us, forever in our hearts because we’ve loved you with every piece of us since the very start.

You’ve inspired our actions and our dreams in ways we hope you know, you’ve impacted our lives and helped shape us into who we are today and this we are proud to show.

Grandad we thank you with our whole entire hearts, for the memories and all the love you showered,

We’re the luckiest grand-kids in the world that we get to call you ours. 

All my love always.