You've gotta fight.. for your right.. to.... :p

What was it that Schmidt said to Jess on New Girl, "Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings? How do you get anything done?"

Did any one else laugh and nod along to Jess's answer of "Yes" Yes? Well me too! :p

I like to be nice, I like to be kind and I always like to take people's feelings into consideration. It's not something that is forced or put on so that people will like me or think I'm wonderful, it's just how I am. My immediate reaction when speaking to people is naturally caring and wanting to help or make them happy. Now I'm not saying this to you so you think I'm some sort of Saint or that I think that of myself either, as I do not, it's more that I would like to open up to you and be honest with myself. You see, I really struggle with confrontation, I am terrified of the idea of upsetting someone and it makes me feel beyond anxious at the thought of letting someone down. Furthermore, even if someone says something negative to me, my first response is to go quiet or try and say something positive back. I don't wish to hate and start a cycle of negativity so I avoid it. I seem to bury my feelings to keep the peace. Often times it can work out, someone says something that you think was a little dig at you or slightly back handed and you smile, walk away and all is forgotten about forever and it has no effect on your daily life. Other times someone says something or seems to talk to you in what you feel is a rude or patronizing manner, you try to speak up and they just ignore you or give you a funny look and you give up your fight, not so easy to forget. On another occasion someone may be just down right ignorant with intentions of making you feel bad and all you can do is be quiet as your brain doesn't work quick enough to reply, you are left feeling deflated and hurt and then you think of a comeback two weeks later and end up playing it over and over in your brain wishing there was a way you could go back and stand up for yourself.

Now, I admit that I do sometimes prefer taking the high road and not retaliating, as I would much rather be that person that only ever spoke in kindness and love and it is something I like about myself. As Zachary Levi put it:

"Instead of letting someone attack you and getting baited into attacking back, be graceful with them back and say 'hey man, where do you wanna go with this? Cause I'm not gonna hate you. I know whatever is going on in you is deeper that what's going on between us, so I'm just going to love you back.' And that's so powerful."

I believe this is truly a beautiful thing. My husband and I were talking yesterday when I had this revelation of who I am and we talked about the possibility of it being 'fake', always wanting to be kind and not telling people the truth and I thought about it and understood that he had a good reason to query that. But then I replied, I don't feel like I'm being fake as in I'm hiding the truth from someone and not saying my deepest thoughts, I feel like I'm doing exactly what Zachary Levi implores above. I feel like to argue back and to get in some sort of fight is pointless and it's much better to respond with silence, for you never know, that silence might one day come back to that person and cause them to think about what they said. I think that silence can be quite powerful. In addition, I go to sleep at night knowing that I was true to myself and never spoke a bad word that could have hurt that person and I therefore feel more at peace.

With that being said, my husband also explained to me that there is a difference between 'being a bitch', 'being negative' and 'being rude,' (all of which are things I seem to be petrified of being) to standing up for ones self and being honest when you need to be. For example, when someone talks to me in a patronizing manner or is rude about something that I like or is being, for lack of a better term, a bitch to me, I have a right to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself doesn't have to mean that I get into a shouting match or be horrible back, it simply means that I call them out on it and ask them to stop. This would show them that I know what they are doing and I am confident enough to tell them that I don't appreciate it. This made perfect sense to me and is something that I am constantly working on.

When my sister and I got into wrestling, we always said that we wouldn't care to acknowledge negativity, not meaning that we wouldn't take constructive criticism, but meaning that if people said something that was un called for or just plain mean, we were not about to fight, as they are allowed their opinion and each to their own. However much it may hurt, in any entertainment business you are going to have fans and you are going to have people that don't like you. I will always, always, always, stand by the notion of "talk about what you love instead of bashing what you hate", but whatever floats your boat I guess! :p I'm not one to get caught up in gossip and rumors or to go around reading the things on the internet, as in my little world it has no importance and that stuff isn't real to me, but I have to admit that recently I caught/heard a few things on Twitter that actually kind of got to me and stirred a few feelings I haven't had to deal with for over a year. The reason I am bringing it up here and acknowledging it, is because it basically ties in with everything I have written above, it's the reason behind my getting a little emotional and thinking about the person I am and it's the reason why I have been telling myself that it's time for a little change. There are times when being quiet and shy works out for me but I realize that I don't want that to interfere with me standing up for myself and who I am. I need to be braver and more confident and not let people walk all over me. It's not going to happen over night but it's something I really want to work on. I don't want to be afraid of decisions I make or have to ramble and apologize a million times if I need to ask for something at work or tell someone that I can't do something they want, etc.

My first port of call in this (kind of) new me is stepping out of my comfort zone and actually replying back to (somewhat negative) questions and statements going around, 'Why did you give up?' 'They gave up right when they were going on TV.' (Referring to wrestling) Everyone is going to have their opinions on this matter, although my sister and I did put up a statement explaining a few things on Facebook when we decided to leave wrestling, but I take it that that didn't stop people from thinking up a bunch of stuff, in addition to it being said on TV to make others look good. Now please know that I'm aware that this may seem like a little thing to many of you but for me I feel it was the final straw. It's not a huge deal by any means and in no way am I about to rant and rave, it merely felt like a good start in standing up for myself. People are always going to believe what they want to believe but in this case I feel like considering it's about me and my life, I feel like I should and am allowed to give my side. To do that, I give you these quotes:

that will give you an insight in to why I got into wrestling and what I love about it, so to keep this short and sweet, my last year of wrestling took me further away from all those things I loved about it. I was not in a happy place and my anxiety was at an all time high and confidence at an all time low. Other's may have thought it was giving up but for me it was time to make an important decision. In life you sometimes have to make decisions that other people may not understand but that ultimately are right for you and this was one of those times. So please bare this in mind when you go around talking about things or reading things. Moreover, I'm not bad mouthing any company or any body, it's a tough business to be a part of and it requires a few attitudes and traits that I just do not have. All that I can say is that today I am the happy me again and loving every minute of life! :)
I hope that in sharing this it may help those of you that struggle with confidence, speaking your mind where it matters and standing up for yourself when it truly counts and not just in those situations that involve negativity or confrontation, even in simple everyday situations. I encourage you to step into the world with your head held high, to go after what you want and not be afraid to show the world who you are! Be kind, be sweet, be caring but also be strong, be brave and be you! You are awesome!!! :)
Love Lulu xx
P.s. For times when I really do struggle with anxiety, nerves and being out in the big crazy world...there's always comfort in knowing I'm not the only one...there's always Ned! :) I <3 Ned!!! (Pushing Daisies.)

P.p.s. Disclaimer. I hope this post didn't come across like I am now going to walk around being mean to everyone! :p I simply meant that there are so many times when I just need a little confidence when communicating with others. Honestly the amount of small things that make me feel guilty or anxious will probably seem silly to others but I merely got to the point where I felt like I shouldn't continue like that. It doesn't do good for ones stress levels or well being. :) As for if people are mean to me, I have to take Zachary Levi's words in to account but then actually say them and speak up, so they know that I won't stand for what they said but I'm not about to fight back with hate. There's a difference you see! :) 

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